Journey of Simon

Leading up to the Arkana, the group was in good spirits. The majority of their work had been done, and they were all expecting to drink a low dose of the medicine and not have such an intense trip. I, on the other hand, was convinced this was my big night.  I was finally going to confront that huge demon that had been haunting me over previous ceremonies.

I intuitively knew that I needed to drink more of the medicine. It couldn’t be a small dose like the rest, it had to be at least a medium. I was conscious of the fact the healers had requested that we must sit up for our ikaros in the Arkana. It wasn’t an option for me to go for a large cup as it would mean spending a lot of the night lying on my mat, feeling KO’d by the medicine.

I went up, drank my medium dose, returned to my mat. You can probably guess where I went first – back to the black Hell. I can see horrible disfigured, haunting faces everywhere. Thoughts of rape, murder, and a number of other awful things that exist in this world. It actually helped to take the medium dose over large, because I’m able to recall the landscape of the black Hell far better. It was a dark, terrifying place, with huge black watchtowers everywhere. There were beings just moving around, aimlessly. It was hard to identify their faces, but they had a very negative aura of despair and fear. I’m waiting to see the Demon of Fear. I feel like he keeps popping up in my peripheral vision but I can’t pin him down.

Something is very different and being in this place. I am feeling much less fear. Visions bad or good, I’m witnessing and allowing. Attempting not to get attached to anything that I’m seeing.  I’m not held in darkness for very long, and the dark visions disappear after I manage to purge a small amount of the Ayahuasca from my system.

One of the Maestros, Sui, comes over to my mat to sing my personal healing ikaro. My body fills to the brim with a kind of masculine warrior energy. You’ll have seen in my previous posts that I’ve suffered my entire life with feeling less than a man, feeling emasculated and feeling like I can’t defend my self physically.

In my late teens/early twenties, I spent 5 years training in Muay Thai (Thai Boxing) to try and combat this low self-worth and confidence around physical confrontation. Even spending some time at a camp in Bangkok, Thailand. Technically, I became very good and was known as one of the hardest kickers in the gym. Unfortunately, when it came to fight night, I was already mentally checked out. I no confidence, overwhelming fear and had already convinced myself that I was going to lose and be humiliated. This cycle pushed me more and more into the state of feeling like a poor excuse for a man. I simply could not get out of my head. Whilst I was in therapy, my therapist felt that the roots of this were due to the emotional and physical abuse that I was subjected to as a child.

Back in the maloka, as Sui is singing to me, a profound masculine energy comes up from deep within me and inhabits my whole body. For the first time, I start to feel my own strength as a man, and my ability as a fighter. I can feel my own physical power pulsating through my veins, and alongside my emotional strength. I’m absolutely at one with my own bravery, courage and the autonomy needed to put myself through this ordeal with the medicine and travel on this journey. My sensitivity and openness is my gift, not something to be ashamed of but the real meaning of true strength. I see exactly how there are so few people that would be willing to do this work. They attempt to bury their own trauma into their subconscious but cannot prevent it flaring up in day to day life as neuroses and narcissism. If there was any light in the maloka, I probably would have looked like a lunatic as at one point, I was sat up and momentarily started shadow boxing on my mat whilst feeling the knockout power in my hands and legs.

I finally felt reconnected to my manhood. I know the route to resolution is not through violence, it should be the last course of action. For me, it was so important to find this within myself as its something I’ve struggled with for many years.

But, still no demon. I could still sense him around me but rather than being scared of seeing its face, I was now in control and I was going after it. I was screaming out in my head “Show yourself! I’m f*cking coming for you, you have no power over me anymore”. Somehow as my strength grew, it seemed like I was less likely to see it.

About half an hour later, one of the female Maestras came to sing me. I sat up to engage with the ikaro and halfway through the healing son her face was directly in front of mine. Fully visual, open-eyed, the demon appeared on her face. Right in front of me. My default reaction was to go right back into that terror but I just looked at it. “You really think that scares me? Is that the best you’ve got? I know these people are beautiful healers. There is nothing but love here”.

Then he disappeared. I didn’t see him again for the rest of the night.

Strange. I thought this night was going to be this huge battle between me and the demon but it was actually relatively tame. Is there more work to do? Am I meant to purge this demon? Is it just with me forever and I need to learn to show love to it? What about the stones weighing me down in the last ceremony?

Another vision comes on. I see a priest in training at a Catholic Monastery. He is running through the grounds and looks so happy and then I see the number ’30’, and that’s it. I’m assuming this must be related to my ‘spiritual dysfunction’ but what does it mean? Go and join a monastery? Become a Catholic Priest? Was it in reference to the Jehovah’s Witness previous message? What does ’30’ mean? Is something going to happen next year, when I’m 30 years old?

Was it showing that being celibate and having a strong spirituality is the antidote to my sexual dependency on others?

Still no idea really.

The ceremony is coming to a close and then a final vision appears to me:

I’ve met him before, both in my first Ayahuasca ceremony and through some shamanic journeying without any plant medicine. My primary spirit animal, the Black Panther. He is magnificent and just stares at me. Its face is beautiful, powerful and so intense. The definition of the Black Panther by Tanya Casteel:

Black Panther symbolizes courage, valor, power, beauty, grace, challenge, and rites of passage. Panther is a fierce guardian, blessed with ancient maternal lunar power. Panther is comfortable in its skin and is drawn towards other solitary people. Panther likes to take quick decisive action, but reminds you that it’s necessary to learn how to pace yourself – not push too hard on any one task. Panther tells you it’s time to meet your hidden fears and reclaim your power especially after a period of deep suffering. There is positive power and medicine within your fears, which can be eliminated when you embrace your fears of the unknown and your inner voice and messages. Trust yourself. It is time to awaken your inner passions, live your dreams, and begin a new chapter as panther guides and protects you.

It’s coincidental that the black panther is my primary spirit animal and I had a tiger tattooed on my back when I was 16 years old (I’m now 29). I was really drawn to it, maybe I have some affinity to big jungle cats – who knows.

I ask the panther if he wants to enter my body and he momentarily passes through me and then back to the forefront of my vision.

The ceremony comes to an end and I sleep better than I have in a long time.

The next day we had our final group share. I don’t think I’ve experienced such openness, love and gratitude in one room. I haven’t mentioned by name so many people at the retreat that supported my journey as there are simply too many to mention. A group of 23 strangers enter together and come out being closer than most people you meet in your normal day to day life. The love and acceptance I received from 23 people I’d never met over the two-week retreat was just something I’d never experienced and nothing short of amazing. The support continued post-retreat on a facebook group that was created for us to communicate with each other. Every single one of the interactions remains open, honest and from the heart:

In the next post, I’ll conclude with some of my transformation and thoughts on working with Ayahuasca after ten ceremmonies.