Journey of Simon

Leading up to the Arkana, the group was in good spirits. The majority of their work had been done, and they were all expecting to drink a low dose of the medicine and not have such an intense trip. I, on the other hand, was convinced this was my big night.  I was finally going to confront that huge demon that had been haunting me over previous ceremonies.

I intuitively knew that I needed to drink more of the medicine. It couldn’t be a small dose like the rest, it had to be at least a medium. I was conscious of the fact the healers had requested that we must sit up for our ikaros in the Arkana. It wasn’t an option for me to go for a large cup as it would mean spending a lot of the night lying on my mat, feeling KO’d by the medicine.

I went up, drank my medium dose, returned to my mat. You can probably guess where I went first – back to the black Hell. I can see horrible disfigured, haunting faces everywhere. Thoughts of rape, murder, and a number of other awful things that exist in this world. It actually helped to take the medium dose over large, because I’m able to recall the landscape of the black Hell far better. It was a dark, terrifying place, with huge black watchtowers everywhere. There were beings just moving around, aimlessly. It was hard to identify their faces, but they had a very negative aura of despair and fear. I’m waiting to see the Demon of Fear. I feel like he keeps popping up in my peripheral vision but I can’t pin him down.

Something is very different and being in this place. I am feeling much less fear. Visions bad or good, I’m witnessing and allowing. Attempting not to get attached to anything that I’m seeing.  I’m not held in darkness for very long, and the dark visions disappear after I manage to purge a small amount of the Ayahuasca from my system.

One of the Maestros, Sui, comes over to my mat to sing my personal healing ikaro. My body fills to the brim with a kind of masculine warrior energy. You’ll have seen in my previous posts that I’ve suffered my entire life with feeling less than a man, feeling emasculated and feeling like I can’t defend my self physically.

In my late teens/early twenties, I spent 5 years training in Muay Thai (Thai Boxing) to try and combat this low self-worth and confidence around physical confrontation. Even spending some time at a camp in Bangkok, Thailand. Technically, I became very good and was known as one of the hardest kickers in the gym. Unfortunately, when it came to fight night, I was already mentally checked out. I no confidence, overwhelming fear and had already convinced myself that I was going to lose and be humiliated. This cycle pushed me more and more into the state of feeling like a poor excuse for a man. I simply could not get out of my head. Whilst I was in therapy, my therapist felt that the roots of this were due to the emotional and physical abuse that I was subjected to as a child.

Back in the maloka, as Sui is singing to me, a profound masculine energy comes up from deep within me and inhabits my whole body. For the first time, I start to feel my own strength as a man, and my ability as a fighter. I can feel my own physical power pulsating through my veins, and alongside my emotional strength. I’m absolutely at one with my own bravery, courage and the autonomy needed to put myself through this ordeal with the medicine and travel on this journey. My sensitivity and openness is my gift, not something to be ashamed of but the real meaning of true strength. I see exactly how there are so few people that would be willing to do this work. They attempt to bury their own trauma into their subconscious but cannot prevent it flaring up in day to day life as neuroses and narcissism. If there was any light in the maloka, I probably would have looked like a lunatic as at one point, I was sat up and momentarily started shadow boxing on my mat whilst feeling the knockout power in my hands and legs. (more…)

Back in the maloka, penultimate ceremony. Waiting to be called up to drink.

Pre-ceremony terror? Check.
Crippling anxiety? Check.
Confused as to which way is up? Check.
Thinking that I am definitely going to go insane this time? Check.

I intuitively knew that I needed a large dose. Overwhelmed by energy or not, clearly taking the medium cup in the last ceremony put me in kind of a ‘halfway house’ state of mind. Although the medicine was clearly working and I was having visions, my ego was able to fight the medicine and I wasn’t fully absorbed by the experience and I was conscious enough to resist.

I knew that I needed to be forced over the edge and into the abyss. The way each Shaman serves Ayahuasca is different, and strength and intentions are never the same. In the way it is served at the Temple of The Way of Light, a large dose appeared to be the only way for me to breakthrough.

I hold the full large cup of Ayahuasca to my lips and mutter to myself ‘Please help me be free.’ The facilitators, Jason and Zuzana, smile at each other. Although in my head I feel that not much has healed, they can see the dramatic change in me since the first ceremony. I’m no longer shaking as I drink; I am determined to fully engage and to go to Hell again if need be in order to heal.

Back at my mat, 30 minutes after drinking, the medicine is starting to kick in. It’s coming on very fast, and I can feel consciousness being lifted from my body and that familiar blue, green, environment is back. (more…)

At the start of the third night of the Trinity, I was actually amazed as to where I’d got to. Although you couldn’t really count the first two ceremonies as I took minimal doses and it was a process of rebalancing and clearing energies. The last time I had drank, on the first night of the Trinity, I had mustered the courage from somewhere to go into my darkness and I was still living, I’d survived it. Although my emotional body was up and down like a yo-yo, I wasn’t crazy, I was still living and fighting another day. I had actually managed to sleep and although still fearful, I was preparing to drink again. Interestingly, the morning after my last intense ceremony two or three people mentioned that thought my eyes had slightly changed colour. They felt they were greener and less dark than they were before that ceremony. It’s hard for me to tell but it was just interesting that it was picked up on by a few individuals in the group.

I was still trying to work out what my correct dosage was, two ceremonies ago I’d taken a medium cup and half a small cup and at points, it was just too intense. Too much energy passing through my body to the point I thought I was going to explode. On this occasion, I decided to drink just a full medium cup and see how I got on.

As the ceremony starts, a magnificent thunderstorm breaks out with fierce thunder and lightning. The lightning momentary illuminates the pitch black maloka, and all the silhouettes of all the healers in the centre appear as if a Hollywood film with dramatic strobe lighting effects. It’s quite amazing to behold, and I feel in awe of them.

The medicine is kicking in and something unexpected happens. I’m thinking about a girl I hooked up with in the past and I begin to feel really sexually aroused. My mind instantly goes back to obsess on the gay or straight debate but instead, I just allow myself to feel it and enjoy the sensation of having a natural sexual attraction to a woman with no shame attached.

Shortly after, unsurprisingly, my perspective and state of mind turns dark again… I start to see weird open eye visuals of a man, with long black arms and legs all hunched over sat in the maloka near me. Something reminiscent of A Nightmare before Christmas, but far more sinister. I then begin to witness horrible black creatures with tentacles all around my mat as if they are coming up from some horrible abyss. I throw my hands out to touch them and to see if I can feel the floor and to try and show some sense of bravery. Inside, I’m back to shaking with fear.

I feel myself being pulled down through my mat, deeper and deeper and the visions start to go from black to red. I am now fully immersed in Hell. Not the dark, black emotional hell of previous ceremonies but the actual archetypal biblical Hell. Everything that I was scared of seeing in an Ayahuasca ceremony is now right in front of me. There are demons and devils, some static, some moving about. I’ve tried to find a Google image to describe what it was like, and the closest was the Dante’s Inferno style image I’ve pictured to the left. It was as if there were multiple levels of Hell, and I was moving up and down like some kind of very real terrifying platform Playstation game. In each ceremony, I tell myself I am categorically never touching this medicine again. (more…)

For this retreat, we were to drink Ayahuasca seven times over twelve days:

Day 1: Arrive
Day 2: Ceremony One
Day 3: Ceremony Two
Day 4: Night off
Day 5: Trinity Ceremony One
Day 6: Trinity Ceremony Two
Day 7: Trinity Ceremony Three
Day 8: Night Off
Day 9: Penultimate Ceremony
Day 10: Final Ceremony – Arkana
Day 11: Night Off
Day 12: Leave

The ‘Trinity’ period of drinking three nights in a row is notoriously the most intense and the hardest work. The Arkana, the final ceremony, is essentially a ceremony where you drink a lesser amount and sit up to fully engage with the healers. They sing slightly different ikaros to energetically seal you before you re-enter normal life.

It’s around 8pm, and as I walk to the middle of the circle, I’m debating in my own mind how much of the brew I should take. I’m always conscious of how much I drink as, in my second ceremony at the previous retreat, I took a full large cup of Black Ayahuasca. I take responsibility for my own actions but I took it not knowing it was any different from standard Ayahuasca and, really, it should have never been served to me being so inexperienced with the medicine. I overdosed. This resulted in a trip for nearly 10 hours where I kept being knocked unconscious, convinced I was going to die (not an ego death, an actual bodily death) and I woke up the next day with some skin missing from my back.

I don’t remember a lot of the trip, so I can only assume I had some kind of physical convulsions and a small amount of skin was rubbed off where I was sat with my back against the maolka wall. (more…)

As mentioned in the previous post, I was told by the facilitators that the healers were still trying to clear the energy of the American Ayahuascero from the previous retreat as they could still see it on me. That was a slow process so as not to damage my psyche too much as the Shamans, facilitators and integration support noticed that I’m very sensitive to energies and that I carry characteristics of an empath.

Ceremony two starts, still terrified, I drink the suggested small dose but I am totally exhausted. It’s been impossible for me to sleep and recuperate any energy as every time I close my eyes alone in my tambo (the wooden jungle accommodation – similar to small huts), my mind would start to race, take me to negative places and I’d start to have an anxiety attack. The maloka is pitch black as they blow out the candles, the only thing providing a small bit of light in the heart of the jungle. The only thing that helps with the anxiety and fear is when the first ikaro comes in, there is something about this ikaro that makes me feel as if my heart is opening to love. I begin to cry, again, just out of pure of gratitude for this opening healing song.

I’d like to add at this point, I don’t believe I’ve ever truly been ‘in love’ in my life. When living in the throes of fear and anxiety, it felt almost impossible to cultivate love. They are opposite energies. I had always assumed that love and hate were polarities but it is now my belief that in 99% of instances, fear is the driving force behind hate, anger and the spectrum of negative emotions. When you experience any narcissists in your life, I’m almost certain their neuroses are deeply programmed subconscious fears. I know because for a long time, I was one. I spent many years being a compulsive liar, not because I wanted to deliberately hurt people but because I felt it necessary to create this false pseudo-self, to make the opposite sex believe that I was something I wasn’t. The fear of another person knowing who I really am, deep down, insecurities, flaws and all would certainly mean I would be rejected.  I manipulated people to ensure my own safety. I kept the unconscious illusion that if I remained in control of all situations and how people perceived me, I could ensure I that wouldn’t be hurt, rejected and abandoned. (more…)

In this post, I briefly mention the PTSD that I developed after my first three Ayahuasca ceremonies in Peru earlier in the year at a retreat centre run by an American Ayahuascero with 20 years experience serving the brew. I’ve heard through others that he was mixing Ayahuasca with other plants, including Toé but I’ve never had actual proof of this. The experience left me severely traumatised and not wanting to live anymore, my father talking me down from a suicidal mindset on a handful of occasions. I was in a state where my addictions were grossly heightened, I was questioning my sexual orientation and there were very few days where I wasn’t deep in depression, terror and despair. I’d come to Ayahuasca for healing, and came out far far worse than before.  I am eternally grateful to my ex-girlfriend and her family, my amazing friends and father who went beyond all normal means to look after me during a period where I could have easily been diagnosed with drug-induced psychosis. I was convinced I was under attack by evil spirits, I couldn’t sleep and I would spend hours in the shower just crying and dry wretching through fear,  just wishing my life would end. I tried to take anti-depressants prescribed by a doctor but it seemed to make me more unstable. Yoga and Meditation provided some temporary relief but I’d almost instantly drop back into my own personal Hell. I couldn’t get out, and so with what felt like extremely limited options, I took the hard decision to return to Ayahuasca. Something inside was still calling me back to the medicine even after the damage that had been done at the previous retreat. After some back and forth (and a few synchronicities), I booked a 12-day retreat at the Temple of the Way of Light. I chose this centre for its excellent reputation for a safe healing environment.

I will revisit and document those first three ceremonies at another retreat centre that caused my PTSD on this blog in a later post.

As this was the first ceremony of a seven ceremony retreat, it was being used by the Shamans as a night for ‘diagnosis’ so we would only initially be drinking a small cup of Ayahuasca. We had five Shipibio healers, two male Maestros and three female Maestras. From the moment I was first introduced to the Shamans, I could tell they were special people. They emanated so much light and love, were jovial in their actions and appearance, and very little phased them and they appeared to be in such peace.

Coming back into the ritualistic setting of drinking Ayahuasca, I entered into this first ceremony with intense dread and terror as I sat down to drink the medicine. The two facilitators; one male and one female were sat either side of me. Their job is to guide you through the entire process, provide support during ceremonies, and translate for the Shipibo healers. One of the female Maestras sat directly opposite me ready to pour the brew into a small cup. The male facilitator, Jason, said to me “Simon. I’ve witnessed what you’ve experienced before at other retreat centres but never at the Temple, you are safe here”. I closed my eyes, prayed for protection and as my hands trembled, I drank. The bitter foul tasting brew of the Ayahuasca suddenly brought me back to the very real process that was about to unfold. The medicine would try to take me to an altered state of consciousness whilst my ego would battle it all costs so that I could try to remain ‘sane’ and keep the illusion that if I control my life and all aspects of it, I’ll be safe. I went back to my mat, smoked a mapacho (Nicotiana rustica – wild tobacco) and just lay there trying to mindfully breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth as best I could. All the while the intense anxiety in my body forcing me to constantly fidget and pull at my hair but using all of my will to not drop into a panic attack. (more…)